Navigating Imposter Syndrome and Trauma in the Workplace

For a long time, I felt like an imposter. Despite graduating from medical school, passing the internal medicine boards, and completing a residency, I grappled with imposter syndrome—a persistent doubt in my abilities, a feeling of being a fraud, and a fear of exposure despite clear evidence of my success.

This struggle can be traced back to my childhood experiences. From ages 11 to 13, I was molested, and when I confided in my parents, they confronted the perpetrators but were shamed into silence. This left me with a lasting feeling of guilt and a voice in my head that echoed my abuser's words, instilling a sense of inadequacy that I carried into adulthood.

Throughout my career, I sought therapy, believing that I could outrun or suppress the shame. I achieved success as a married physician, yet the COVID-19 pandemic stripped away the external supports that had anchored me. In that isolation, the shame returned with a vengeance, leading me to alcohol as a coping mechanism.

The internal voice I came to call the unreliable narrator played on a loop, telling me I was too much, not enough, or fundamentally broken. I believed this voice because it felt like a part of me, making it difficult to challenge its assertions. This conflict came to a head when my manager, an Ivy League professor, called my actions "idiotic." While he didn’t label me an idiot outright, I internalized that word and froze, unable to respond.

Triggers of Past Trauma in the Workplace

It was only later that I understood the deeper implications of that moment. My manager's choice of words triggered a traumatic response linked to my past. The term "idiotic" resonated with the insults from my childhood abuser, activating a fight, flight, or freeze response within me. My body chose to freeze, leaving me speechless and embarrassed.

From this experience, I learned the importance of pausing. I developed a strategy I call the four P’s: pause, present, ponder, and possibilities. Pausing allows for reflection before reacting, enabling a more thoughtful response to challenging situations. I realized that confronting my internal dialogue was crucial for my healing process.

The Real Play

When faced with a trigger, I now take a moment to check in with myself. I acknowledge my feelings, recognize their origins, and remind myself of my current reality. I am not the child I once was; I am an adult physician capable of navigating these challenges. Understanding that my manager's words were not a reflection of my worth but rather a trigger for old trauma has been a significant step in my journey.

Ultimately, I learned that shame is a misguided protector, often misjudging what constitutes real danger. The path to overcoming imposter syndrome and trauma is complex, but it begins with recognizing and challenging the narratives we carry within us.